


Side By Side

by fireofgrace



Series: Sleeping Alone [2]
Category: Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:35:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25240258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireofgrace/pseuds/fireofgrace
Summary: Part Two of Sleeping AloneRace and Albert talk about recovery, and try and talk properly about everything.Featuring Race's new psychiatrist, and Jack and Romeo visiting.
Relationships: Albert DaSilva/Racetrack Higgins
Series: Sleeping Alone [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828501
Kudos: 21





	Side By Side

When Race woke up, the first thing they heard was Albert sobbing beside them. For a moment they couldn't remember, then it all came flooding back. 

They didn't want to have survived, that was the worst possible outcome. Turning their head to face Albert, Race tried to open their mouth

"Al," they mumbled, throat dry and aching. Their head pounded, but Race guessed that was what happened after you swallowed enough pills to keep yourself out forever. 

"You're an idiot," Albert said through tears, a sob breaking through his lips. He took hold of Race's hand, squeezing it tightly. 

"'M sorry."

Albert nodded, "I know baby. I'm so sorry, I love you so much, I could never not love you." 

It had to be said. That's how Albert felt. He'd shouted cruel words at the person he loved most, and now he had to convince them it wasn't true. 

Tears streamed silently down Race's cheeks, as they chewed on their lip, "Even when you're angry?" 

Albert let his head fall against Race's arm. He didn't know what to say. Because yes, he loved Race all the time, even when they argued, but the arguments hit them both too hard.

"I shouldn't have done it Albie, I just," they paused. Race couldn't really work it out in his own mind, let alone explain it. 

"I know. You don't have to explain it Racer. And yes, I still love you when I'm angry. That's why I get upset with you, because I care about you so much, and you hurt yourself, and it breaks me," Albert said in a soft voice, lifting his head up slightly. 

"I forget sometimes, that people care about me," Race began, squeezing Albert's hand tightly, "because I can't see why. I just don't feel worth it. But. I want to try recovery, with you, because I can't do it on my own." 

Albert lifted his head, then hopped up on the bed beside Race. The elder rested their head on Albert's shoulders, body exhausted. 

"We can do that. I know I need to get some help too, I just. We. Together Race, we need to do it together." 

Race nodded their head, taking hold of Albert's hand. "Together." 

"I, er, I called your brothers, they're outside when you're ready," Albert said, running his fingers through the elders hair. 

"Ten minutes," Race yawned, eyelids fluttering shut, "I wanna be with you for a little longer." 

*

When Race woke again, Albert had moved, and a doctor was beside him. 

"Hey Antonio, I'm doctor Harris, can I ask you a few questions?" he asked, taking a seat beside the bed. 

Race nodded, pulling themselves into a sitting position. They linked their hands, fiddling with them as their anxiety soared. 

"I'm a psychiatrist here. I've read your notes, and this isn't the first time you've been in hospital for your mental health is it?" 

Race shook their head, "once for an ed, and this is the second um," their voice trailed off. Despite knowing it would happen, Race still felt uncomfortable talking about it all. They didn't know this doctor, and that was terrifying.

"It's okay, I'm not going to make you say anything you don't want to," Doctor Harris said, taking out a pen and notepad and jotting a few things down. 

Race looked over at the doctor with a shocked expression. Every session they'd ever had, they had to talk about everything. It didn't matter what Race wanted, it kept going till they talked. 

"I'm guessing I'm different from most your other doctors," Doctor Harris said with a light chuckle, "We're going to be talking a lot over the next few months, you don't have to say anything till you are ready." 

"Am I going to be in inpatient again?" Race asked, chewing intently on their thumb. Inpatient was their least favourite thing, and Race would do anything to avoid ending up there again. 

"Not if you don't want to," Doctor Harris said, writing another note, "do you think staying home will be better for you?" he asked, looking up with an inquisitive look. 

"Maybe," Race shrugged, staring down to avoid looking at the doctor. 

"I wanna know what you want, can you tell me?" 

Doctor Harris, Race noticed, was exceptionally calm with his avoidance. They liked this doctor, it felt like he was someone they could talk to. He was looking at Race like he genuinely cared, like he genuinely wanted to know. 

"I want to see my brothers," Race said frowning slightly, then after a long pause, "and I want to go home. Me and Albert need to work this out together." 

The doctor smiled at Race, "good, that was honest, that's what I need from you Antonio," he said, and Race flinched, no one ever called them that. 

Eyebrows raising doctor Harris cocked his head slightly, "is that not your preferred name?" 

Race show their head, "either Toni, or Race, no one uses my full name." 

Doctor Harris nodded, "okay, I will make a note of that, I'll leave you alone for today, I'll send in your brothers and then I will see you tomorrow Race," he smiled, standing with a slight sigh. 

"Thank you Doctor Harris," Race said in a small voice, looking up at the elder man. 

"You are more than welcome," he smiled, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

Race flopped back against their pillow, exhausted after that short session. They almost fell asleep again, but seeing his three boys, Race woke themself up, almost crying immediately. 

"Hey Ro, hey Jackie," Race said quietly, pulling himself slowly into a sitting position. He was knackered and his stomach ached, but there was a small part of him that was glad to be alive. 

Romeo didn't say anything, just collapsed against Race, giving them a hug. A few tears slipped down his cheek, the possibility of losing his brother weighing heavily on him. 

Jack looked at Race with an almost unreadable expression, taking hold of their hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"Please don't do this again Racer," Jack said softly, taking a seat on the other side of the bed. 

"I'll leave you and Jack alone," Romeo said with a small sniff, pulling away from Race, "you scared me Race." 

"'m sorry Ro, I won't do it again," Race mumbled, trying not to look as guilty as they felt. 

Giving Race a small smile, Romeo left the room. 

The silence was calming, Jack always made things feel okay for Race. There was an element of deja vu, which Race guessed was right, since this was the third time they'd been in this position. 

"Why'd ya do it Racer?" Jack asked in an almost pained voice. 

"I was slipping. Things were feeling worse and everyone thought it was better. Then, when me an' Albie argued, I didn't see the point of keeping the act up. I wanted out, I didn't want to do it anymore." 

They were crying by the end, not having realised that there was a true reason for all of this. They hadn't been able to work their mind into anything logical, and then here this was, a reason. 

"You're okay Racer," Jack said softly, bringing his little brother into his arms, "I've got you."

*

Race was discharged three days later. Albert brought the car to meet them, and they went home together. 

"My new psychiatrist is great Al," Race said sleepily, resting his head back against the seat. 

"That's good Racer, I've never heard you talk positively about a doctor," Albert replied, placing a hand on Race's leg. 

Race smiled slightly, "most of them have been dicks. What about you? Have you spoken to anyone?" Race asked, placing his own hand on top of Albert's. 

Nodding his head slightly, Albert squeezed Race's hand. "I've got an appointment with my doctor in two days." 

Race couldn't help but notice a warm feeling in their chest. These were proper steps to feeling okay, and they were doing it together this time. "Good," they smiled, "can we cuddle when we get home?" 

"Course baby, we can put on a film and not move for hours if you want," Albert said, loving the feeling of joy he was experiencing. 

He loved Race so much, and every argument they had just crushed his soul. Albert wanted to make proper changes this time. Rather than get overwhelmed by everything and ignore it, and just wait for Race to relapse again. But he knew they could only do it while they were side by side. Because that was when they were most powerful. 

"Thanks Albie," they said in a small voice, before pausing for a bit, "this is all a lot at the moment," they mumbled. 

"Do you wanna talk about it at all?" 

There was a lot of consideration after that question. Race sat there for a little too long before their tiny nod.

"Go on then, I'll just listen." 

"I feel guilty," Race began, hands shaking as they picked at their fingers, "for putting everyone through this again. And as much as I'm pleased I'm alive, and I can spend time with you, part of me feels like it would have been easier to die. I want to recover, but I'm scared I won't and this will all happen again. What if I never escape my mind?" 

It took a moment for Albert to process it all, "I know me telling you not to feel guilty won't help, but please remember I love you no matter what. I will always be beside you Racer, despite what your mind is saying, I'll always be right there." 

He pulled into a space outside their apartment, and was quick to turn off the engine. Turning round to look at Race, he could feel himself getting emotional. "I love you Race, no matter how difficult everything seems, I will still love you." 

Wiping a tear from their cheek, Race smiled slightly, "thank you Albie, I love you so much." 

"As long as we're side by side, I reckon we'll be okay," Albert mumbled, as Race clambered over to hold him tightly. 

It felt like they had forever with their bodies connected in a tight embrace. But more importantly, it felt like things would be alright. I was going to be a long journey, and things were definitely going to be difficult, but it would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I know this is a little different to the first part, but it kinda had to be written that way. 
> 
> Also, my mentions of hospitals is bad as I haven't really been in hospital since I was a child. 
> 
> Also, most of what I'm writing is based off of my own experiences with my mental health. A lot of Race's thoughts are things I have also thought and felt.
> 
> That is all, I hope you guys like it.


End file.
